Prometheus

There are a few things good about this movie, unfortunately they don’t make up for the movie being, well, stupid. If you’re reading this as a part of your decision process to see it in the theater, don't. Overall, the movie misses its mark. Read on if you don’t mind spoilers or have already seen the film.

Good things about the movie are Michael Fassbender’s performance and the cinematography and special effects.

So much for the good aspects.

The script for this movie simply makes no sense. During the opening scene, we are introduced to two archaeologists in love, Elizabeth and Charlie, who find a cave painting depicting giant humanoids pointing out to a star cluster. They connect this to other primitive cultures' depictions of similar humanoids pointing to a similar star cluster (5 stars).

Somehow that’s interpreted as an invitation to come find humanity’s creators (the “engineers”)? They rustle up some funding from Weyland-Yutani corporation - a TRILLION dollars, according to Meredith Vickers, played by Charlize Theron, the chosen Weyland representative. Vickers and crew, aboard the spaceship Prometheus, head to a distant moon. How they were able to narrow down a cluster of 5 heavenly bodies to a single spot in the universe seems ridiculous, but, okay, it moves the story forward.

Once aboard the ship, it seems that Meredith Vickers is in charge, but then a hologram of Peter Weyland, the company founder, instructs them that the archaeologists in love are in charge. Plus we have the captain of the ship, played by Idris Elba, who also seems to have some autonomy. A trillion-dollar expedition where no one is quite certain who’s boss?

Upon arrival at the moon, this lack of leadership is evident as they run off without, seemingly, forming a plan. Cap’n Janek warns them they only have 6 hours of daylight left, but damn the torpedos (!), the archaeologists in love are not going to wait to meet their makers! Ahem.

Other characters on this exploratory mission include a geologist and a biologist. These guys are the best part of the movie. Upon entering a cave complex, the geologist sets out robotic drones that quickly map the subterranean caverns and tunnels. The geologist skillfully leads them through the caverns whereupon they find dead engineers. The geologist and the biologist freak out at this. They knew there was the prospect of finding LIVE engineers and I guess they assumed that they would be friendly, but the fact that they were massacred, 2000 YEARS AGO, is freaking them out. So they split. Not only do they split, but THEY GET LOST. EVEN THOUGH THE ENTIRE PLACE IS MAPPED WITH THE GEOLOGIST’S DRONES AND THEY’RE IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION WITH CAP’N JANEK. A storm comes and these two are forced to spend the night in the cave. During the night they run into a phallic, alien, snake-like creature. They're trapped underground, millions of miles from home and they're encountering their first live alien which acts just like a king cobra. What does the highly qualified BIOLOGIST, hired to go on a TRILLION-DOLLAR MISSION DO? HE TREATS IT LIKE A GERBIL FOR FUCK’S SAKE, COOING AT IT AND OFFERING HIS HAND TO IT, WHEREUPON ANIMALS ATTACK AND HE AND THE HANSEL-AND-GRETEL GEOLOGIST RIGHTLY SUFFER A HORRIBLE DEATH.

I almost applauded.

I’ll just (try and) stop here. They have an automated surgery pod that is for men only because apparently having breasts and a vagina complicates a pod capable of robotic surgery. The archaeologist in love convinces it to do an alien abortion, anyhow, and with her stomach stapled completes a bunch of action scenes meanwhile the rest of the crew ignores the abortion and the blood-spattered pod. Um, what else? Vickers gets crushed to death by a crashing, rolling space ship because she couldn’t figure out how to run a perpendicular path from it. I guess she thought it was chasing her. There are also tired existential discussions attempting to drive this film and two members of the crew we know nothing about who agree on a kamikaze mission at the end.

There is more. Suffice it say that this movie fails due to lazy writing.

I just hoped this would be better than "Alien 3" or "Alien Resurrection." Please don't make me pick where "Prometheus" fits in the now 3 horrible Alien franchise films.

Alien 3

After last night’s Oscar mediocrity, I’m plunging ahead with rewatching “Alien 3.” This and “Alien 4,” or whatever the fuck it’s called was included in the blu-ray set I purchased. I really should have waited for the individual titles to come out, but they got me, so I’ll watch these final two movies which I hated upon first viewing. I think the movie studios are too cynical to care - they are, of course, in it for my hard-earned cash. They got it. The first two movies are so good, that I’ll spend the extra scratch on the last two. Not before I trash them on the internet to the 2 to 3 of my friends who might actually read this.

I hope I was previously mistaken.

Hmmm. I remember being SO EXCITED. DAVID FINCHER, right? Fire in cryogenic compartment? Uh oh. Ripley’s doing the chicken. Not good. Jettisoned into space. I guess? Her jettisoned tube becomes a lego piece? Or were they separate, jettisoned pieces? Either way it’s a maximum security prison planet. Maybe this post-apocalyptic priest will tell us. Ripley’s washed upon the beach, covered in black! RUN! Wake up, Ripley! Ripley coughs up water out of her lungs! She’s alive! Run! Get the water buffalo! Too bad for Hicks. And Newt.

WTF? YOU KILLED NEWT? WHAT KIND OF HEARTLESS HOLLYWOOD BASTARDS ARE YOU? Glad I caught that off the green-screen monitor. So much for the past? Let’s get this prison/pseudo-religious drama going!

The black priest speaks of sinning, and, apparently, black power! The followers are celibates, but are still upset by the prospect of a woman being in their midst. They bang on railings... lots of cockney accents... aliens coming out of water buffalos... lots of reilgious exposition...

Oh fuck it.